My husband says he wants a divorce: Lady to Lawyer
Did he say why he wants a divorce? Lawyer asks
We have been married for 40 years; we just celebrated our anniversary: says Lady
Has your husband given any reason for divorce? says Lawyer again
Our children are abroad and we live by ourselves, the Lady responds
On what grounds does your husband want a divorce? the Lawyer patiently asks a third time
He says that I do not listen; responds the Lady
This conversation illustrates that the Lady is hearing, but is she listening?
While hearing and listening may seem like they serve the same purpose, the difference between the two is fairly significant.
Hearing is an automatic response to sound that requires no effort. We are surrounded by a variety of sounds around us most of the time. For example, the chirping of the birds, honking of vehicles, the clashes of utensils, siren of fire engine, and so on. We hear these sounds but don’t really pay much attention unless we have a reason to do otherwise.
Listening, on the other hand, is focused, intentional and with reason hence it requires motivation and effort. Listening, at its best, is active, focused, concentrated attention for the purpose of understanding the meaning of words and sentences expressed by a speaker but we do not always listen at our best.
Most relationships whether that between spouses, siblings, colleagues or parents is centered around listening. 70% of effective communication is listening. Listening is therefore, the most important and effective part of any communication. When listening is not intentional, when listening turns into hearing, that’s when trouble creeps in. Many marriages go south when at the very tone of the spouse the other simply switches off.
In order to repair any relationship, it is important to compare and comprehend the difference between hearing and listening.
Hearing refers to one’s ability to distinguish sounds, by receiving vibrations through ears. Listening is something done consciously, that involves comprehending and analyzing the sounds you hear.
Hearing is a physiological act that is performed automatically; Listening on the other hand is a psychological act; something done consciously.
We hear unintentionally, we have no control over the sounds we hear. We listen with a purpose to acquire knowledge and receive information.
Listening should not be taken for granted. Even before man learnt to write and read knowledge was passed on from generation to generation through some combination of showing, sharing and telling. Without listening, it’s easy to get something wrong and to make assumptions. If you are not attentively listening to someone and vice versa, this could lead to misunderstandings, making one feel unimportant, lonely and depressed.
Listening attentively can strengthen any relationship. Equally, the lack of listening can create tension and distance in relationships, make it difficult to resolve conflicts, thereby affecting mental health and well-being.
Dr Manjula Pooja Shroff is MD, CEO of Kalorex Group