We often think about the people we love, and those with whom we have beautiful relationships. We also think of people with whom we have a conflict or differences—we think of them even if we do not want to, and spend sleepless nights repeatedly going over what they said or did. And how much do we remember God, the one we call our Mother, Father, and Friend? We take out time to remember God, yet we cannot do it properly because the mind wanders.
We need to be more focused if we want to be a better person and live a more fulfilling life, but we tend to dwell on other people’s defects and try to change them. That is why we often say, ‘Don’t say that… don’t do that… don’t do it that way….” And when others ignore our words, we become irritated.
It is impossible to change others. We can offer advice, and if the other person likes it, they may accept it and change themselves. The only person we can change with our efforts is the self. Once we recognise this fact and shift our focus from others to our own self, we will save a lot of time and energy that is otherwise expended on thinking about and trying to correct others.
Changing the self feels like a difficult task because we cultivate relationships with other people, but our relationship with the self is weak. Meditation involves developing a relationship with the self—during the day we can occasionally pause for 30 seconds, detach ourselves from whatever we are doing, and talk lovingly to ourselves. This short practice, done regularly, uplifts our spirits.
We cheer up our loved ones by speaking lovingly to them, so why cannot we do the same for our self? The mind will obey us when we learn to talk to it. We usually tell others to be quiet. Do we ever tell our mind the same thing? We can train the mind just as we teach a child. Once we start tending the mind with love, we will find that it does what we want.
Care needs to be taken not to engage in negative self-talk: “My mind is not in my control… I cannot concentrate….” Such thoughts harm our relationship with the self. Our mind plays a key role in shaping our relationships, health, and our entire life. If we want to improve all of these, we can change the way we think. The first step is to develop a beautiful relationship with the mind. How do we do that? How do we discipline an unruly child? Can we do it with criticism and fault-finding? If we keep telling ourselves that the mind is like a wild horse and out of control, that is exactly how it will behave. Instead, if we treat it with love and appreciation, it will eventually become our best friend and help make our whole life beautiful.
B.K. Shivani is a well-known motivational speaker and Rajyoga teacher.
