“All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.”
Who is an empath? A person who feels the emotions, struggles and silent battles of people around him or her. But this article is not about “how to become an empath?” or “how should we inculcate empathy in people” etc. This article rather is about the antonym of “empath” which is “hypocrite”, more so the human practice of donning the attire of “hypocrisy” everyday but seeking the blanket immunity of being an “empath.” Being an empath in the present times has become quite a romanticised term owing to the social media reels, posts that brag about the importance of empathy when in fact the humans are miles away from even understanding the word “empathy”. Any person who is not an empath is clearly and undoubtedly inconsistent with his or her emotions which will eventually result in the lack of building healthy and meaningful relationships.
I often recall one of my favourite movies, Tamasha , while talking about how important it is to be “empathetic.” The protagonist of the movie Ved (portrayed by Ranbir Kapoor) has struggled since childhood trying to make everyone around him happy. His parents, then his boss, and eventually his partner Tara (portrayed by Deepika Padukone). He just wants to fit into the boxes that people around him want him to fit in. A time comes when he realises that no one could understand what he had gone through and at a party when a friend asks him “how have you been Ved?” He lashes out and starts giving an account of his life which clearly came out as offensive and traumatising to his friend and the people around. Ved leaves but not before asking “jab janana nahi hota toh puchte qun hain” and the friend is quick to respond “ye toh sab puchte hain naa.” This is where the entire problem lies. People do not know what being empathetic is.. but since “kindness” is cool these days they just want to assure you that I am here for you .. I am here to listen to you..I cannot help you but can only sit with you while you cry.. when in fact it’s all a big farce.
There is a difference between being sympathetic and being empathetic. You feel sorry for someone is what sympathy looks like, but comprehending the pain of the person in front of you, even a stranger is what empathy is. Take for example a student who is scared to give his or her presentation in front of a class of 60 students, a teacher understanding what that student might be feeling or what fear he or she might be enduring that leads to trembling of hands and sweat beads on the forehead is what empathy looks like, on the other hand the teacher meeting her colleagues and telling them “that child has depression so couldn’t perform well.. poor soul” is what sympathy is all about. And as much as my heart pains to write this….. But the world today lacks “empathy” and “empaths” not just in the outside world but even amongst family and friends.
Recently I witnessed the lack of sympathy let alone empathy in people attending a funeral of an eminent person. Since the dawn of of our lives and I am irrevocably sure that till the dusk of our lives arrives, we have been and will always be conditioned with the thought process that “ye aise mat karo” “ye aisa hona chahiye” “aise karenge toh log kya kahenge” “chaar logon ne dekh liya toh kya bolenge.” For all the people, especially the youngsters who hold their breaths and stop their hearts from doing what they want to, let me break the news that “chaar log” in this funeral were discussing their skin care routines.. Some were indulged in gossip while many were happily greeting each other. For a moment I had to reckon whether I was at a funeral or at a party.
Human beings and their inconsistencies. These words aptly describe the hypocrisy of being an empath and a human being including myself. Words like “take care”, “I will call you soon”, “I am here for you” mean nothing for the simple reason that it is difficult to think about others before thinking about yourself. Imagine having a heartbreak not out of lack of love or reciprocation of love but due to the lack of empathy. I would label that to be the worst kind of grief or wretchedness a person has to go through. We open our hearts and let out our emotions, be it beams of success or tears of pain in front of people who we think will understand what we are feeling in that moment. We trust each other as humans and play this gamble that if I can be an empath the other person in front of me would also be the same. How naïve of us? This is where the fairytale is disrupted by an explosive truth and makes us realise how wrong we were throughout. People may paint a rosy picture for us making us believe in goodness or how they are different or not like the rest of the world .. but when you find yourself empty handed on the most aching days of your life it becomes staggering to even believe in the word “goodness.” You probably don’t even want to hear about it. Most of us have gone through this at some point of our lives.
But even on the days that we feel anything like this we should remind ourselves what great beauty lies in being empathetic and kind. The entire world might be cruel to us or try to bring us down, but we must never forget that a single act of kindness or empathy might save the day and at times life for a person. The phrase “acche logon k sath sabse zada bura hota hai” is true in today’s time since a person who feels the emotions too deeply is already running in negative on the barometers of pragmatism. They are constantly reminded by the malevolent experiences that they must build their boundaries, must think about themselves first and let people suffer for it’s not your job to fix them. But a person who chooses to be empathetic everyday has done so because for him or her the world is not just a place to move mechanically or robotically. They have chosen to accept the many “hypocrisies” of being a human and still move forward with kindness and empathy in their hearts. And maybe they will lose again but not without spreading the happiness which at the end of day we all are craving for. As it has been beautifully portrayed in these words by Henri Nouwen-
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
The author is Assistant Professor of Law at University Institute of Legal Studies (UILS), Panjab University, Chandigarh.
