If we think carefully about all our relationships, those of family, work, acquaintances, neighbours, most of them are good relationships. A small few may be so-so, and only one or two may be relationships with a lot of tension. We have the tendency to let the stress of the very few relationships with tension, become our focus, and lose sight of all the good and fruitful ones. We need to make sure we do not ignore the ones that are working well, so that no tension creeps into those.
However, examining the ones that do cause us tension, we need to look at the possible causes before we can put them right. There are three main causes, and they are interconnected.
1. Being controlled in a relationship. If someone is trying, or succeeding, in controlling what we do, or even how we are supposed to think, this causes a great deal of tension.
2. Constantly being criticised. In a controlling relationship, one of the main elements is the constant criticism, which not only causes tension but also erodes our confidence and self-respect. Creativity is lost and a shrinking of our personality and effective and enjoyable communication is lost.
3. Being in the position of not liking or trusting one another which springs from being controlled and criticised.
There is also a fourth cause, and that is, if we carry over things that have been a problem for us in other relationships, into the newer relationships. It may be that we have not been given the love we needed to grow, or we have developed a lack of self-respect, or we have struggled to cope with a heavy workload. These internal challenges, if not dealt with, leak into our other relationships. So, what can we do to resolve these so that we avoid causing tension for ourselves and others?
To build a healthy relationship with myself I need to spend time with myself. In reality, we do not know ourselves well, because we see ourselves through the eyes of others, and the problem with that is that they are seeing us the way they think we are, and not who we really are. We need to spend time, pondering the answers to three important questions: Do I love myself? Do I respect myself? Do I value myself?
Pure love is free from expectations, creates good wishes for the self (and others) and frees us from negativity. Self-respect is often based on the roles we hold, positions in life, possessions, or the praise we receive. There is nothing wrong with all that, but true self-respect cannot be built on that; it has to be built on my internal worth, qualities, and virtues. If I do not respect others, it is a sure sign that I do not respect myself. When we understand what I have of value, for myself and others, then one of the biggest things of value that we all have is inner peace. Inner peace, which is accumulated through meditation, brings the ability to find solutions to situations, and is a basis for good relationships.
Meditation is one of the methods to free myself from one who is causing pain and grief. So many answers to life’s problems are found in the practice of meditation. The art of being still, and removing our attention from the world around us, by focusing the mind, restores peace. The only thing we can ever change is ourselves – not anyone else. It is only through changing the self that we may be able to provide an opportunity for others to change, because our relationships become free from tension and that opens the way for freedom to grow.
Mukesh Pancholi is Centre Co-ordinator for the Brahma Kumaris Inner Space in Manchester, UK