All of us have experienced conflict at some time or another, and how we handle that conflict often starts in behaviour experienced in our childhood. We have all learnt some kind of strategy to deal with or avoid conflict, so that we can survive and remain in control of our lives. The strategies range from flight, to fight, or to freeze and avoidance. Some of us simply pretend that it is just not happening. However, these strategies remain far from resolving issues. At best, levels of stress subside a little and at worst everything becomes downright destructive, as we can witness in the world around us.
We could, however, change our focus and look at conflict transformation, rather than resolution. We can make transforming the conflict into a learning opportunity, for wisdom and growth. We can make conflict a vehicle for change, and for something good to emerge. Friedreich Glasl produced a model of conflict and how it escalates from one level to another. However, he stressed that it was an upward escalation, starting at level 1, when there is still an awareness, hope and a desire for a mutually agreeable outcome. Spiralling up to level 9, when all parties simply want to destroy the other and do not care if they too are destroyed.
At that point negotiation is not possible, all is over.
At level 1, there are warning signs. Sarcastic comments, sabotage, or niggling arguments that raise voices and stress levels but amount to little else. It is at this point, if we are aware, that things can be nipped in the bud. At this juncture, we need to do a little investigation and try to uncover the cause, the story behind what is beginning. Each one of us carries a story. Each one of us has issues and hurt that we are trying to live with. So, each one of us needs to investigate our own part in the situation, and discover what fuel we are adding to the incipient stage of the fire. We need to identify this at the early stages, and keep our equilibrium and enquire in a non-violent, non-accusatory way, what might be going on. For this we need excellent communication skills and emotional intelligence, as strong emotions will be surging up at that point.
There are two triggers that escalate the beginnings of conflict. One is the expectations we have of others as to how they should speak or behave, and the other is lack of respect. Others may not know what we expect of them, and we could carry on harbouring resentment if we do not make that clear. They, of course, do not need to meet our expectations, but if they are aware of them, they can have clarity. However, if we do not respect them, it becomes clear immediately. So, by trying to understand the story of those involved, including our own, and by voicing expectations and treating everyone with respect, transformation becomes more possible.
One of the tools to disengage with conflict is the pause button. To avoid rapid escalation, by reacting immediately to what has been said or done, we need to be able to press the pause button and find a way to step back. It could be by excusing ourselves and moving to another room for a moment. Taking time out in some way is important to gain a wider perspective, check our motivation, and what outcome we would prefer. For this, we need to also face what is termed as inner conflict. This is very challenging because it is exacerbated by the ‘inner critic’ which is very difficult to silence. It has been trying to help us survive, so it tends to speak louder than the wise advisor, that all of us have at a very deep level. This wise advisor knows us better than anyone; it has travelled with us through lifetimes. Yet it is hard to hear over the critic, who tries to protect us by getting revenge or winning at all costs. It is in silence that we begin to hear our wise advisor, and this is essential for the transformation of conflict.
Therefore, we must find a way to ‘know thyself’. What are our fears, how do we react to confrontation, what are our triggers? But, also, what are our strengths, our qualities, our skills. In contemplation we can ask, who am I? What do I bring to this world that is special for my family, my friends, relationships, workplace and how can I make a difference? I need to explore whatever anger I am carrying from the past. Even if I have managed to store it and lock it away, it can be ignited unexpectedly, like the volcanic power under the mountain.
In the conditions of heat and power of conflict, it can erupt and be extremely dangerous.
So how, as a species, can we start to transform conflicts and create a better more peaceful world? We begin from exactly that intention – to bring peace. The thinking behind that intention will take us forward, because thinking becomes words and actions. We need to go beyond time and space, into the soul state, the oasis within the self of light and harmony that is innate to all of us. We are all naturally peaceful; peace-lessness is something we have created; it is not normal or natural. We need to take time out and connect with our harmonious and naturally compassionate self. Find the beauty of the other, hear their story and have empathy. Find our common ground. The world of peace can come only if we find that peace within us. It takes baby steps, one small gesture at a time. This has a ripple effect, and change comes by taking responsibility and opening the heart to change, then transformation can begin.
Christine Mahoney is an actor, mediator and conflict-resolution professional based in Melbourne, Australia. She has been a student and teacher of meditation with the Brahma Kumaris for more than 35 years.