Once upon a big fat Punjabi wedding, my cousin introduced me to his friend. ‘Myself Jagjit Malhotra,’ the middle-aged man said. ‘Dr Jas Kohli,’ I replied with a swagger. To my utter surprise, he uttered, ‘I hate Kohlis.’ This felt like a pinprick. ‘Why so?’ I managed to say. He replied, ‘My in-laws are Kohlis!’ All of us laughed heartily. I continued, ‘Kohlis are nice as long as one doesn’t take panga with them.
I have mellowed down because of the medical profession. But once in a while, my family members do get a glimpse of the Kohli temper. Once I tried to obtain an arms licence. But the process had to be shelved because of tenacious opposition from my better half!’ Long back, I had the utopian dream of a casteless society and I thought of removing my surname. Then Virat Kohli shot into the limelight and how. To piggyback on his fame, I decided to continue with the Kohli suffix (though I do have some dubious achievements in my name too). The next time you find Virat creating a ruckus during the gentleman’s game, hold his genes responsible for it. Kohlis belong to the Khukhrain subcaste of the Punjabi khatris, an all-rounder caste (they can be fierce soldiers as well as astute traders). Apart from dominating Bollywood (Kapoors, Khannas, Chopras, Roshans etc), Punjabi Khatris have also excelled as army officers, cricketers, politicians, bureaucrats, industrialists and businesspersons.
They don’t take excessive pride in their caste and also gel well with other castes and communities- this is the main reason of their success. The word Kohli means people of the mountains (koh means mountain). It is no wonder that Captain Mohan Singh Kohli was the leader of India’s first successful expedition to Mount Everest in 1965. If the partition of 1947 had not happened, most Kohlis would have been living in the hilly terrains of Khyber Pakhtunwala province and Pothohar plateau of West Punjab. A stalwart of the Kohli clan, Dr Manmohan Singh, the ex- prime minister, doesn’t use the surname. Probably he doesn’t want to spoil the reputation of the Kohlis since he is as cool as a cucumber.
When the Kohlis channelise their energy properly, they can work wonders- for example Faqir Chand Kohli (father of Indian Software Industry) and Madan Mohan Kohli (melody king of Hindi film music). However, like other Punjabis, their mindspace is often occupied by khaana peena (eating and drinking), sohna dikhna (looking good) and bann thann ke rehna (dressing up well). Of course, they dream during the day as well as the night for vaddi gaddi (luxury car) and vaddi kothi (palatial house). Once this is achieved, the dream too gets promoted- hor vaddi gaddi and hor vaddi kothi. While the caste system has fostered a sense of kinship, it has also led to discrimination and conflicts. Overall, it has had more cons than pros. But for now, I am keeping the surname. The chances of Virat Kohli resorting to Gandhigiri are almost nil!
Jas Kohli is a noted humour writer. He is the author of three bestselling humour novels, ‘Lights! Wedding! Ludhiana!’, ‘Lights! Scalpel! Romance!’, and ‘Anything to Look Hot’.
