What do you do when societal norms compel you to be nice when you don’t wish to be? We act awkwardly when we are trapped by societal compulsions.
Someone shows you pictures of their grandchildren, another takes you to meet their relatives, someone you respect tells you an oft-repeated anecdote, someone who admires you starts reading out a poem they have written, someone forces you to eat food they’ve cooked just for you, someone pulls you to their child’s school fair, someone honours you by taking you to their home temple… The list is unending. At times, people’s love and admiration can become quite exhausting. Being nice and polite doesn’t need to mean that we get smothered or pushed into things we aren’t comfortable doing. We must learn to be firm without sounding rude and irritated.
What is important to someone we love and respect, may not be something that we ourselves enjoy, and thus we are forced to fake polite pleasantries. This usually makes us feel uncomfortable, and so, we need to develop skills to handle awkward situations without hurting feelings. It’s difficult to lie to people whom we respect, so as not to sound hurtful.
However, we must remember that, whatever the person is sharing with us, means a lot to them. They find us special and want to actually share the joy they feel. It’s not the pictures, the poem or the food but what they have experienced through those things that they are eager to share with us.
We must recognise that we are important to them and hence, they are sharing with us what is important to them. If we love and respect them, we have to learn to make whatever they are sharing important to us too. Although kindness is a great virtue, there is also such a thing as being too nice. Things can go wrong if we take being a good person too far. People may start seeing us as weak and take advantage of our kind nature. Also, when we take looking after others’ needs too far, we will end up with no time for ourselves.
Some people constantly give a polite hearing to all and sundry who come unbidden with their gossip, problems and complaints. They feel awkward to interrupt and say that they are running late, and need to complete their own chores. When you don’t set boundaries, you could inadvertently be sending out an invitation to needy, whiny, overly-emotional, and demanding people.
Authentically nice people are also liable to be misunderstood. Genuinely helpful people are often looked at with suspicion. The world tends to believe you have an ulterior motive when you are being nice to people for no reason.
It is human to expect others to reciprocate your niceness. You are hopeful that they will occasionally put their interests aside for you just as you do for them. Sadly, this is rarely true. Such expectations usually lead to disappointments- with you ending up thinking that others are being mean to you or taking you for granted.
Being nice and kind is a wonderful trait. However, being too nice can actually go against you in the long run, and be perceived as a disadvantage. Thus, we need to learn to strike the right balance between compassion and kindness if we endeavour to be effective and respected.