Arguing is an expression of differences in opinion or acknowledging that needs and feelings are unmet. Every couple argues irrespective of how they come across. It’s an essential ingredient to help a relationship grow and evolve.
Unfortunately arguing is feared. It’s viewed as ‘bad, unhealthy and a sign of something going wrong with the relationship.’ Yet it’s a unique way to talk, share, influence, create awareness to understand and accept another’s point of view. It helps to assess self-value and shared core values, clarify outlook and thoughts and voice them honestly.
The challenge with an argument is the emotions associated with it. The ensuing heightened state of emotional and physiological arousal makes partners feel threatened. They become defensive and often resort to criticism, disrespect, and aggression, escalating the situation further and making the less dominant partner feel insecure and devalued. There are other myriad emotional reactions to an argument. Partners can feel humiliated, worthless, disappointed, resentful and ashamed. While struggling with these feelings, they stop listening.
Listening is key to open communication. It opens up the space for discussion, makes partners feel heard, validated and understood. Often, couples tend to view listening as acceptance. But it’s the openness to see another perspective, understand their position, hear their feelings and needs. Those who feel powerless in an argument can resort to passive listening. At that moment they either pretend to listen, blank out or wait for the person to stop talking. They might also use silence as their way to disengage and feel powerful.
Differing points of view can be an opportunity to being influenced and persuaded. Being open to this possibility ensures connection and engagement. But it’s necessary to be mindful about why one is willing to change their position. If it’s only because they’re manipulated or their partner insists on being ‘right,’ then it can make them feel stuck, alienated and disregarded. Simultaneously, the impact of blocking off a partner’s viewpoint remains the same irrespective of how the disagreement is expressed.
Arguments do tend to bring out vulnerabilities that arise from childhood and past experiences. The realisation might dawn that their partner isn’t as perfect as they expected them to be. At this juncture, it’s important to refrain from judging, name-calling or ridiculing them. It can potentially lead to a gridlock and blame game. The focus of the argument then moves more towards handling those emotions instead.
There are ways to navigate this minefield and reach a mutually beneficial understanding. It’s essential, to begin with accepting that the ultimate purpose is this understanding and one’s perception of the reality is as valid as their partners.
• The willingness to be mindfully present and listen actively are basic requirements.
• Allowing the partner to express their version of the reality of the situation. Here allowing isn’t about permission to speak and share. It’s about accepting that it’s a necessary step towards reaching the goal. Perception is key and can provide a lot of information about why the partner sees things differently.
• Share and express feelings without having to explain them. This too helps to understand the partner’s perspective better. Questioning with an open mind is fine but mustn’t make the partner feel like they’re ‘wrong’ to feel this way.
• Empathising and validating a partner’s feelings and needs is important. It makes them feel heard and understood. Be mindful that validating isn’t agreement. It just helps to see a part of the partner’s experience of the situation.
• Openness to see that there are two points of view and both can be right. Yet partners often sabotage it by continuing to emotionally react and focus on what was said instead.
• Acknowledge personal responsibility and contribution towards the argument. Often partners reactions could stem from being taken for granted or feeling irritable or emotionally unavailable or preoccupied or tired.
• Identify the need to apologise for making the partner feel a certain way. Both partners need to feel equally involved to either step up, assert or be supportive. If it’s difficult to do so, then it’s okay to say it. It’s okay to verbalise the need for more clarity or space to feel the emotions before revisiting the conversation. Silence can lead to assumptions which can, in turn, derail the situation.
• Constructively approach the matter to make the decision that works in the present context. This means that there’s flexibility for the decision to be revisited and changed later. The notion of finality gets replaced with a sense of control.
As humans, the brain is wired to act and feel before it can think. The rational self can become active after either emotions are dealt with or one is calm enough to continue the conversation. Stress-reducing conversations can be learnt and partners can support each other in the process.
The writer is a mental health counsellor. The views expressed are personal.