Romeo-Juliet, Heer-Ranjha, Sohni-Mahiwal – what is the recurrent theme in all these love stories which have been glorified as the pinnacle of true love? The common thread is that these lovers loved each other so much that they could not live without each other. These tales have been passed down through generations to naive people like us, who start believing in this misconstrued narrative of true love. Add to this, the cinematic tropes of 80’s and 90’s Bollywood movies, which kept hammering ideas like “sachcha pyar” into vulnerable and often impressionable youth. Shakespeare’s genius lies in creating multiple layers of meaning in his works mixing tragedy, comedy and social commentary. While on the surface Romeo and Juliet appears to be a passionate love story, it can also be interpreted as a cautionary tale against the dangers of losing oneself entirely in another person – a hallmark of toxic co-dependency. Some scholars even argue that Shakespeare was in fact critiquing the idea of love at first sight and hasty romantic decisions rather than glorifying them depicting how quickly things spiral out of control due to the lovers’ impulsive actions; mirroring the destructive patterns we see in co-dependent relationships which are eerily similar to the unhealthy dependence we often mistake for deep love.
Don’t we all know a friend who has been trying to get out of a toxic relationship but can’t because they claim to love the other person too much or vice versa. Don’t we all know someone who is trapped in a marriage marred by emotional abuse or domestic violence, yet struggle to break free from these toxic relationships. The reasons for this are complex and deeply rooted in human psychology. One significant factor is the power of familiarity. Psychologists have long observed that humans tend to gravitate towards the familiar, even when it’s detrimental to their well-being. This phenomenon, known as the “comfort zone paradox,” can keep people tethered to harmful situations simply because they’re known and predictable. The prospect of leaving, despite offering potential freedom and happiness, often appears as a terrifying unknown. It’s time we pause and evaluate: is this love, or is this toxic co-dependency? Toxic co-dependency often masquerades as intense or true love accompanied by love-bombing. It’s characterized by an unhealthy reliance on a partner for one’s sense of self-worth, identity, or even survival. This dependency can lead to a loss of individuality, emotional manipulation, and a cycle of destructive behaviour that’s hard to break. It’s crucial to recognize the signs of toxic co-dependency like: feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions, neglecting your own needs to satisfy your partner’s, difficulty making decisions, fear of abandonment, tolerating abusive or disrespectful behaviour. Unlike the romanticized notions of love we’ve inherited from literature and cinema, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and support. They allow both partners to maintain their individual identities while growing together.
Another problem we’ve faced, likely due to exposure to popular culture narratives, is the persistent myth of the “soulmate” or “one true love.” The idea that there exists a single, perfect partner who will intuitively understand us is simply unrealistic. This romanticized notion of “Do Jism Ek Jaan” is often propagated by those who seek to profit from it, whether it’s authors or filmmakers, because the allure of finding that elusive, perfect match makes for captivating stories but grim realities. On the contrary, the truth is that lasting relationships must be built on honest, open communication – even if it entails discussing uncomfortable issues. The unreasonable expectation that our partner will somehow be a “walking, talking x-ray machine” for our emotions is antithetical to the hard work required to nurture a healthy, sustainable partnership. Rather than chasing an idealized fantasy, it’s crucial to recognize that genuine, fulfilling connections are forged through mutual understanding, compromise, and a willingness to address challenges head-on. A recent incident left me feeling helpless and deeply saddened as I witnessed a close friend falling prey to the myth of the ‘ideal partner’ she had created in her mind. Despite my concerns about how her quest for this romanticized love was leading her down a spiral of self-doubt and victimhood, I found myself a heartbroken spectator as she endured another trauma. The grand narratives perpetuated by popular culture about ‘true love’ had clearly consumed my friend’s perspective as she chased an unrealistic fantasy. As her friend, I could only watch with a heavy heart, knowing that in her chosen path she was setting herself up for heartbreak. The power of these cultural myths had momentarily clouded her judgment, rendering her vulnerable to emotional turmoil.
Furthermore, the present generation has dug a grave for their mental health by inventing entirely new forms of relationships like friends with benefits, situationships, bread-crumbing, benching etc. These new relationship models reflect a disturbing shift in how we view companionship and intimacy. These toxic co-dependent relationships are like prisons in which we are both the captives and the warden. The warden in this metaphorical prison is our own fear of true intimacy. Many of those who are in such relationships may want to escape that prison but find themselves helpless and obsessed – a perfect recipe for mental breakdown, addiction, and even suicide. We’ve rationalized that by keeping things “casual,” we can maintain control and shield ourselves from heartbreak. However, the reality is that these arrangements often leave us feeling more isolated, anxious, and emotionally unfulfilled than ever before.
As we navigate the complex world of modern relationships, let’s strive to redefine our understanding of true love. It’s not about dramatic gestures or all-consuming passion that leaves no room for individual growth; it’s not about finding your soulmate; it’s not about keeping things casual. In fact the antidote to this epidemic of co-dependency and emotional detachment lies in cultivating a mindset of interdependence. Rather than seeking to lose or find ourselves in another person, we must strive to build partnerships where both individuals can thrive. Interdependent relationships are characterized by mutual support, emotional autonomy, healthy communication, balanced give-and-take, individual growth, respect for boundaries, shared responsibility, trust and independence, healthy conflict resolution, and self-esteem. I would go even further and argue that the model of interdependent relationships is not exclusive to romantic relationships but can be efficaciously realized in plutonic relationships too.