What is easier, to get angry or to remain calm? When there is a difficult situation, someone makes a mistake, or work is not done to our satisfaction, how do we respond? Do we stay calm or lose our temper? Nowadays a lot of people find it easier to behave in ways that actually harm them. If a person is not working properly, we rebuke them and get the work done. We develop the conviction that this is an effective way of getting things done. Shouting at people does pressure them into doing what we want, but it is not the best method to achieve the desired results.
We all put in a lot of effort to reach our goals, but we are focused on the material goals, and in the process of working towards them we ignore our state of mind. We become impatient, stressed, and angry. Despite this we may attain what we want, but at what cost? We end up without peace of mind, lasting happiness, and loving relationships. The stress also takes a toll on our body and we begin to suffer from various ailments.
We need to understand that good relationships, health, and happiness cannot be acquired by working hard. Work will earn us money, and we may be able to afford the best medical care, but we cannot buy health. We can purchase all manner of things to make life comfortable, but that will not buy us happiness. Health and happiness come from paying attention to our thoughts and feelings.
We have come to believe that it is impossible to remain happy all the time. What is it that makes us unhappy? When people or situations are not according to our expectations, we get upset. We assume it is natural to feel that way. But think about it – will every person I meet behave the way I want? That is impossible.
Each individual is unique. We are all souls – immortal spiritual beings who have journeyed through many lives, playing various roles in different bodies. The past experiences of each soul have left an impression on them, and these are manifested in the form of diverse tendencies and attitudes. This is why some people are calm by nature while others are irritable, some are fearful while others are bold, some are easy-going and others tend to be nervous.
The role of a family is to understand and accept each family member’s nature and tendencies and to help them develop better ways of thinking and behaviour. It all comes down to how we think. A common line of thinking is: “Why do they always do this? When will they get some sense? How can I not get disturbed if they are like this?
We repeat such thoughts in our mind day after day, and even speak some harsh words to the other person, and they respond in kind. The mental and verbal strife can go on for years, and it harms everyone involved – ruining their peace of mind, damaging their health, spoiling the atmosphere in the house, turning relationships unpleasant, and depleting their energy levels.
What is the solution? If we are upset by something about the other person, we can discuss it with them, but before that we need to check our state of mind. The first step is to accept the other person as they are. There is obviously a reason why they are like that. This understanding brings empathy and the desire and strength to help them change for the better. If we react with agitation, our words and vibrations will do more harm than good.
But acceptance and understanding change all that. When we are calm and loving, stable and in control of our emotions, our words and behaviour make a positive impact. We radiate positive energy, and that is what helps us engage with the other person constructively. Merely giving them advice is not enough. They also need the support of our good wishes and love – that is what will lift them up, strengthen our relationship, and contribute to everyone’s happiness. Instead of expecting and asking for love, understanding, and respect from others, we can pay some attention to our thoughts and feelings, which will help us make our mind peaceful, caring, and strong. We will then be a source of strength for others.
B.K. Shivani is a well-known motivational speaker and Rajyoga teacher.