Money can potentially rock even the strongest relationships. Money isn’t simply a unit of transaction. When explored in-depth from the perspective of both partner’s, what emerges is a deeper understanding of their money belief systems, what it truly represents to them, the value they attribute to it, how it makes them feel about themselves and thereby how they see it impacting their relationship.
Conflict often begins with differing attitudes towards saving, spending and investing money. Partners struggle trying to address the fundamental challenge of saving for the future vs spending to live well in the present. This difference cannot simply be addressed through the lens of ‘right or wrong.’
It’s challenging because these attitudes develop in early childhood by observing their primary financial role models, that is, parents or caregivers dealing with money. This process is called ‘financial socialisation.’ Children observe their parents attitude towards earning, saving and budgeting, how they make money grow and react to buying on credit, taking loans and how their lifestyle and moods are impacted when in debt. Constantly hearing parents arguing about money make them believe that money causes stress.
Simultaneously, as early consumers children learn the concepts of mindful spending, the difference between impulse spend and delayed gratification, buying expensive products vs just those on a list, the necessity to first clear debts, and save for the future before spending on oneself, knowing that money can be manipulated to cater to immediate wants or believing that unnecessary expenditure is a moral failing.
Cultural differences also impact attitude. Some caregivers dislike discussing money openly. They’re either uncomfortable or believe that children shouldn’t be involved in money matters. Alternatively, some openly talk about money concerning everything in their lives making them seem money-minded. Some exhibit the gender roles of the husband being the provider and show discomfort when the wife earns more.
Children often hear, ‘money is bad, be careful with money, money doesn’t grow on trees, being monied means being privileged, having prestige and respect, be modest and don’t flaunt your wealth, useless spending is a wastage, or money can’t buy happiness.’ They internalise these messages and expectations eliciting certain feelings about money. They might feel money is scarce and they can never have enough, feel secure, stable and protected seeing money in the bank, feel shame, weak and stupid about their capabilities to earn, question if they deserve to make more money and feel they’ll always need more. The compulsion to spend ‘unnecessarily’ can inhibit having fun and doing things that can otherwise make them happy. Some even translate having more money as being a better and smarter person and their self-esteem and self-worth become dependent on it.
As these learnings infuse with the child’s identity they become an extension of their values. It’s the invisible script basis on which they operate in the present. Interaction with their peers, exposure to media and the outside world, societal expectations either strengthen these internal scripts or create dissonance and feel unsettling.
This process of family and societal financial socialisation affects romantic relationships. Partners might see differences in attitudes but initially ignore them as each handles their own money. In marriage or long-term relationships though it’s impossible to keep financial habits, roles and responsibilities separate from the relationship.
Toxic money beliefs are unhealthy. An abundance of money can outwardly seem beneficial yet be connected to indulgent and risky behaviour, financial carelessness or disregard for hard work and integrity. It’s challenging when partners’ feel exploited or feel that their relevance is closely tied to their ability to fund needs and feel burdened to constantly resolve financial difficulties. It can make them hide or be silent about how much they earn because they’re fearful about their future.
When partners try to address these differences from their perspectives without consideration to their genesis, they feel trapped and helpless. The ensuing confrontation further adds another layer of difficulty as they have different styles of conflict resolution.
Thus, it’s mandatory to consciously discuss money with each other. It builds comfort and creates a safe space to explore deep-seated fears about money, their limiting belief systems and attitudes. Openly sharing can allow them to unburden themselves, acknowledge and reconcile their differences and see how their attitudes are impacting the relationship. It encourages them to establish mutually beneficial and achievable financial goals (for themselves and their family), make responsible financial decisions, receive the support they rightfully deserve and feel confident to step up when in need. It builds dependency, trust and a positive outlook.
Most importantly, it enhances a clear understanding of one’s financial well-being. They can feel satisfied with their current financial situation, feel successful in life, secure about their relationship and feel in control of their lives.
The writer is a mental health counsellor.