Transcending possessiveness (Aparigraha)

Possessiveness (or parigraha in Sanskrit) has three dimensions. First, is the ownership of objects, things, money, and other materials. Second, is the controllability in relationships particularly close ones such as with spouse, children, friends, and so on. Third, is the controllability that also extends to possessiveness about power by those in positions of power. There is a rich literature in Indian philosophy on possessiveness and how to transcend it (aparigraha). It entails keeping the desire for possessions just appropriate to one’s life stage. It involves self-restraint so as not to harm others and developing a sense of charity (dana).

Some research has also been done concerning possessiveness in Western psychology. Central to having possessions is the need to control. All three, ownership of money and materials, possessiveness over people, and possessiveness of power have this theme of controllability at its root. Money, materials, relationships, and even power, are important for leading life. However, they should not become the prime objective in life so much so that they disrupt our peace of mind.

Possessiveness over people is particularly troublesome. It arises from the need to control how one’s spouse behaves, how one’s children behave, how one’s friend behaves, and so on. We are so engrossed in our way of thinking that we fail to look at the perspective of others. We only appreciate our viewpoint and do not try to understand where the other person is coming from. We must always consider the viewpoints of others and give our advice in a manner so that it is not imposing. We must not force our decisions on anyone and let them take those on their own. Alain de Botton (1969-present), a contemporary Swiss-born British author famous for his books Essays in Love and The Course of Love, writes, “To be mature is, we’re told, to move beyond possessiveness. Jealousy is for babies.

The mature person knows that no one owns anyone.” It is indeed a sign of maturity to be able to realize that we cannot own other people’s emotions, their way of thinking, or their behaviors but can only have ownership of our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Dorothy Sayers (1893-1957), a British author, also writes in this regard, “For God’s sake, let’s take the word ‘possess’ and put a brick round its neck and drown it … We can’t possess one another.” How true it is that we cannot possess the other person. This thought is also expressed in the old saying, “If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

Some people in power are so addicted to wielding their power over others that they do not want to give it up. They put in extra effort simply to remain in power. Even a simple thing like advice-giving behavior is a form of subtle power exercise. Giving advice increases the sense of power in the person providing it because it gives that person a perceived effect over the actions of others. Exercise of power over others including unsolicited advice-giving behavior needs to be checked. If one has to exercise power it should be against one’s negative behaviors. One should use the power of will to improve oneself. The need for power should be channeled into goals of self-improvement.

We need to transcend possessiveness by practicing detachment. Attachment to the outcome or how the other person will behave how the possessed material will provide us joy or how our power over others is beneficial are at the root of our disappointments.
Dr. Manoj Sharma is a Professor and Chair of the Department of Social and Behavioral Health at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, USA. He is an avid practitioner of Kundalini Yoga.