Some cultures encourage open expression of feelings, whether of love or joy, hatred or sad-ness. Others put a high value on being respectful and restrained. Whichever way we have been brought up, most of us wish to be kind towards others and find a way to help at times of need.
In today’s world, however, the origin and character of our motives are not always clear. Some people are controlling by nature, and try to manipulate others into meeting their needs. Others have a habit of being submissive to other people’s wishes, so as to make themselves feel needed.
All too often the healthy boundary between giving and taking becomes blurred and some-times demolished altogether. That is when resentment and frustration build up, the joy of equality and cooperation in relationships disappears.
When that happens, we have to look closely at our own motives in the parts we are playing. Do we truly wish to help, or are we afraid of the disapproval of the other? Are we looking for love and acceptance, and then feel resentful when we do not receive it?
Trying to redress the balance, and reinstate healthy boundaries, can be deeply challenging. Those with a controlling nature are often devastated and helpless when they face loss of con-trol. And those who allowed themselves to be controlled may find it difficult to break free because of a desire not to cause conflict.
Even facing the fact that our motives are not as clean and clear as we would like may be difficult because this effort can open up old wounds. Quite often, some trauma that happened early in life (or it might have been from a previous life) has been buried in our subconscious and may lie at the root of our habitual ways of trying to stay in control, whether through try-ing to dominate or through being subservient and submissive.
So, letting go of such habits is not a trivial matter. Even against our conscious will, we find ourselves operating from a position of failing to respect our own or others’ boundaries.
I have learned of three methods to help overcome these weaknesses:
1. Strengthen the inner battery of the soul, and its expression through the heart and mind. When the heart is contented and the mind cool, I am much more likely to be able to stay positive in my exchanges with other people.
2. Take a really good look at what is going on in a relationship. This gives a context in which I can see what is needed for me to become more generous-hearted. Otherwise, if I simply blame the other person, I will continue to react with anger, feeling they are letting me down, or depression, feeling I am a victim.
3. An ability to give constructive feedback to others means I can let them know when they are overstepping the mark, without being unpleasant. It might even happen with-out my saying anything, just using body language or mental vibrations.
With all three of these methods, power is needed for them to be applied consistently and suc-cessfully. My experience is that when this power is missing, it can only be replaced through a relationship with the divine.
The knowledge and understanding that I have gained through the teachings of Rajyoga tell me that underneath all that is going on, I am, in fact, a truly powerful, peaceful soul—off-spring of the Supreme.
When, through meditation and spiritual study, I allow myself to have this sense of connection to a higher power, I am much better able to disengage from my old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. True self-respect starts to come back, and that in turn improves my ability to respect and understand others, so that healthy boundaries between me and the world are restored.
A sense of security replaces the old fears, and this shift in awareness enables me to make God my companion. In other words, I become aligned with God’s power of love and wisdom, so that I recover the strength to stop giving or taking inappropriately and learn to act once more according to my own higher nature.
Neville Hodgkinson is a UK-based author and journalist, and a long-time student of Rajyoga.
When, through meditation and spiritual study, I allow myself to have this sense of connection to a higher power, I am much better able to disengage from my old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. True self-respect starts to come back, and that improves my ability to respect and understand others so that healthy boundaries between me and the world are restored.