‘Sanoo Kee!’

Since long, I rated myself as a basic model of homo sapiens since I wasn’t making any efforts to levitate myself through meditation. The thorn of envy pricked me when I read the e-brochure of a meditation session which was being attended by a friend. It was to be held at a Shangri La like resort in the hills- just being there seemed to be meditative. Five types of meditation were to be carried out along with some unique activities like ‘going into a trance with dance’. With the presumption that I was mentally unfit for this, I was told, ‘Obviously, this isn’t your cup of tea.’

‘Success is the best form of revenge. I will become even more adept at meditation than him. My YouTube channel on meditation will be a beacon for others,’ I said to myself. There was no time to learn from a guru (though I was willing to shed my ego). So, with the diligence of a frontbencher student, I watched instructional ­videos on YouTube and read a few books too.

On a Sunday, I told my family members, ‘Don’t disturb me even if God asks for me.’ I received assent as well as sarcastic smiles. I egged myself on. ‘Since I have planned and prepared so methodically, I might get enlightenment in the first session itself.’ As soon as I closed my eyes, the sound of a motorcycle with modified silencer rattled my eardrums. I couldn’t help cursing the rider. Moments later, I cursed myself for having poor anger management skills. Then, I focused on my breathing in the abdomen and lower chest. Mundane thoughts besieged me- as if they were jealous of thoughts superior to them occupying my mind. I failed to deflect them sideways because they were as pesky as a housefly. Ultimately, I had to abandon the session.

Next day, I tried a different method- by focusing on the breathing in the nasal area. It was the same old story. Subsequently, I tried to forge a new path- by listening to heart sounds.
Though I failed to meditate, it was the first time in my life that I complimented my heart, calling it my sweetheart. I realized it was a karmyogi- working twenty-four by seven without a break or any leave. The thing we take for granted the most is the best designed machine- our body (Sun, mother earth, water, parents and spouse may be the next on the list).

Then, I tried guided meditation through YouTube videos. Thankfully, the learned ones didn’t get to know that their methods fell flat for me. I consoled myself with the explanation- probably the writer’s brain in me is as restless as a juvenile ape. So, I decided to reach a higher state through contemplation. I closed my eyes and imagined travelling out of the solar system and then the milky way- towards the edge of the universe.

But I wasn’t sure whether I was on the edge. Was I entering another universe? How many universes were there? My head started spinning. I opened my eyes, bellowed, ‘Sanoo kee!’ and put on my favourite travel channel on television!

Jas Kohli is a noted humour writer. He is the author of three bestselling humour novels, ‘Lights! Wedding! Ludhiana!’, ‘Lights! Scalpel! Romance!’, and ‘Anything to Look Hot’