In many long-term relationships, sexual intimacy may begin to fade, leaving partners questioning if they should engage in sex when they’re not in the mood. Is it just another chore or a relationship necessity?
The Evolution of Sexual Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
Sexual intimacy in couples tends to follow a predictable pattern, according to a study by Johns Hopkins. In the initial stages of a relationship, couples are excited, experience closeness, and have frequent sex. However, as time passes and the relationship matures, the frequency often drops, and intimacy becomes more routine. By the time a couple starts a family, the demands of life can leave little room for sexual connection.
In fact, one in 10 women experiences a decrease in sex drive at some point, due to factors like family and career pressures, hormonal changes, depression, and body image concerns. Men, too, experience a decline in libido, which may be linked to physical changes, societal expectations, and underlying health conditions.
The Concept of Maintenance Sex
Maintenance sex is an often-unspoken agreement between partners, where one or both partners engage in sex even when they’re not particularly in the mood, in order to keep the relationship intact. It’s like maintaining a relationship with regular sexual intimacy, much like maintaining the walls of a house or fixing furniture.
“It’s a way to keep the connection alive and ensure intimacy remains a part of the relationship,” explains Dr. Pallavi Abhilasha, an associate professor in the Psychiatry department at Christian Medical College & Hospital in Ludhiana. According to Dr. Abhilasha, some couples find maintenance sex beneficial as it boosts their relationship, prevents feelings of neglect, and keeps physical bonds strong.
The Benefits and Challenges of Maintenance Sex
Studies have shown that couples who engage in sex at least once a week report higher levels of happiness. However, engaging in sex solely for maintenance, rather than pleasure, can lead to resentment if one partner feels pressured. A 2017 study showed that couples who have sex once a week are the happiest, while those who have it less frequently often report feeling unfulfilled.
For many couples, the practice of maintenance sex is a way to fulfill each other’s needs, even when physical desire may not align. Delhi resident Mrudula* shared, “Yes, I have had sex with my partner when not in the mood and so has he. All’s fair in love and sex, as long as it’s mutual.”
Is Maintenance Sex Unwanted or Non-Consensual?
While some argue that sex should only occur when both partners are in the mood, others believe that maintenance sex can still be consensual if both agree to it, even if neither is particularly enthusiastic at that moment. Dr. Abhilasha explains, “While it might be termed as unwanted sex, it’s still consensual if both partners agree to it.” For some, maintenance sex can be compared to exercising — you may not feel like doing it, but once it’s done, it can lead to satisfaction.
However, in some cases, one partner might feel that maintenance sex is simply a way to “get over with it,” as in the case of Sharanya*, a homemaker. She said, “It’s too time-consuming, but it’s an unsaid rule between my husband and me. We love each other, and I’m good at faking it, so it’s a win-win.”
The Sexist Debate Around Maintenance Sex
Some argue that maintenance sex can be sexist, as it might make one partner feel pressured into fulfilling the other’s desires. In an ideal scenario, both partners should be in sync when it comes to intimacy. Dr. Abhilasha explained, “Whether it’s sexist depends on the dynamics of the relationship. If one partner feels obligated, it can be problematic.”
Yet, others feel that it is necessary to keep the relationship intact, preventing a sexless marriage. According to one Reddit user, “There is a bigger underlying problem if sex is just duty or maintenance. Sex should be exciting and enthusiastic.” Many shared similar sentiments, preferring no sex over maintenance sex.
When to Seek Help
If you feel pressured into sex or experience prolonged sexual dissatisfaction, it’s important to talk to your partner or consult a professional. A therapist or healthcare provider can help address any underlying issues related to libido or sexual health.
