The sages and saints of India recognise how complicated and binding relationships are. This is why they renounce all of them, even those renunciates who have wives and children, because the only relationship they adhere to is the one with God, the Supreme.
The more relationships we have the more we accumulate labels that identify the roles we play within them. We accumulate so many over time. In fact, each and every relationship we have reflects something about our identity back to us through other people. Each identity is telling us something about the kind of person we “perceive” ourselves to be.
The more relationships I have, the more labels I have to feed and sustain. This can be quite a tiring balancing act. So, what to do? One cannot just give them up and walk off into a forest. It is not a matter of renouncing all my obligations and connections, but of actually transforming situations that may feel like a bondage.
If we can change our consciousness and attitude from the feeling of bondage or tie to the roles we play, and see the ones we are involved with as relationships to foster and enjoy, then we can make our mind free even whilst engaging with other souls. After all, our relationships are supposed to bring us joy and happiness, not stress and strife in life. The saying goes that: Through self-transformation comes world transformation.”
It is one thing to be in relationship with people, and quite another to be in bondage to them. To be in bondage means to be on an emotional rollercoaster; in dependency; a feeling of not being able to do without; a feeling of loneliness; insecurity and emptiness. A feeling of self-sacrifice, and being dutifully bound, which will of course lead to unhappiness.
The art of maintaining good relationships is to be present and invest in those connections.
It is by being available and spending quality time with people that we form deep bonds of mutual understanding and care, while being free to be who we are, not what someone else wants us to be. When we are mindful to stay alert and pay attention, to be engaged and involved in our relationships, then there is no feeling of leakage of our soul energy, or our soul power being zapped and sapped away. Why? Because we are in tune with ourselves and others, and therefore aware when something is not in balance.
To be in connection without being consumed by the identity, or label, means to love and let go. There are no strings of attachment, but an aim to be in respectful relationships. To feel full and complete within my own self, whether that is with or without that relationship. To be happy and joyous constantly. To feel empowered. To feel light and guilt-free. To live from a place of natural self-respect, without any role or identity needing to be defended, simply because of the ego and attachment to that label. This is why today so many people have an “identity crisis”, because they do not know who they really are. To know myself means I am on my way to happiness.
If we want to look at the relationships we have, it helps to think of a virtue or quality I bring or could bring to that relationship. For example, if I am a friend to someone, let it be that I am a loyal friend. Below are some other relationships combined with a virtue or quality, that change the way I look at the role I am playing.
A kind sister
A dutiful daughter
A compassionate soul
A loving child
A respectful colleague
A studious student
A dependable neighbour
A good citizen
It can become an interesting game to play, once I have added the quality or virtue, to consider what exactly that means to me and how to manifest that in the relationship. For instance, what does it really mean to be a good citizen? Qualities and virtues are in the soul, so what kind of soul is sitting behind the label, the role I am playing? Who am I? A pure loving light, the one who consciously creates my soul expression through the instrument of the body. Firstly, I have to form a good relationship with my own avatar. The body is my medium, the human is the means by which I the soul, the being, connect with the world through relationships with other souls, and they too are also on their soul journey. Every theatre and movie actor knows that they can be asked to play any role, therefore they should not become attached to any particular role they are playing.
Once we can recognize who we really are, we can make ourselves free from so much sorrow and mental upset. When we know we are not the roles (the labels) we play, we can see ourselves as we truly are, as pure living lights, souls living out a conscious experience of the self in this physical world.
Aruna Ladva is an author and Rajyoga meditation teacher based at the Global Retreat Centre, Oxford, UK.