‘A child asked her grandmother when her mother would return. The grieving grandmother told her that her mother had gone to heaven and became a star. She will watch her from there.’ All of us at some point in our childhood would have been told a story such as this. The intention of the grandmother is none else than to comfort the child. Won’t it be easier to look up at the sky and remember her mother? or believe she is safe with God.
But what really happens when you use euphemisms like ‘gone to a better place’ or ‘gone to heaven’. Usage of such terms can be very confusing for children and sometimes scary too! They may struggle to understand how heaven might be better than being with them, why did their loved one leave, how do you become a star?
As such children may experience intense feelings of anxiety, sadness, guilt, anger etc. on losing a loved one. They themselves may be struggling with their feelings and more often than not they look to the other caregivers for guidance and support. In these moments, not openly sharing about the loss or telling them how they should be strong and try to move on can prove to be very damaging for the child. Unaddressed feelings of grief can lead to development of anxiety, depression and even cause post-traumatic disorder in children.
How we talk about death and conversations around it, can therefore go a long way in determining how our children cope with their grief. The words you choose will have to depend on the emotional maturity and development of your child. But there are some basic guidelines that medical experts outline which should be applied when having a conversation with a child about loss.
To begin with, there is no right time to inform a child about the loss. Children should be informed sooner than later lest they find out on their own which can throw them into an emotional spiral. The person who talks to the child about the loss should be someone who they are close to, like the primary caregiver or if the person is grieving and not in a position to talk, then the next person the child is attached to. Talking about loss can be a difficult conversation and requires all the love and attention of the person breaking the news.
When talking about loss, first assess their understanding of loss. Different age groups perceive death and loss, differently. For a toddler it may be a temporary loss with the expectation of seeing the caregiver after sometime. For a younger child, death may mean something more permanent and can therefore generate a strong sense of loss and sadness.
Avoid using euphemisims like ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ when talking about loss. Children tend to focus on words literally and using unreal words and telling stories about what happened to their loved one, can leave them wondering, confused and anxious. They might also feel that death is not permanent and their loved one may come back. It is therefore important to use real words like ‘death’, and ‘dying’ and state exactly what happened in order to prepare them for real life situation and help them cope better with their feelings.
Talk to your child in age-appropriate language while talking about the loss. As per medical experts, younger children within the age range of 2-5 years, can be explained about death in simple words. For instance, you can let them know that when a person dies, their body stops working- that means the heart does not beat and they do not breathe. For older children in the age range of 6-9 years, a caregiver can add more information and explain with what they might relate. For instance ‘every organism has a life cycle. Humans also have a life cycle. You are born, you die and in between you live.’
Children may get curious and ask questions repeatedly. Respond to the questions honestly, openly and with patience. Share with them, what you think is relevant for their age and do not overwhelm the child with facts and description. It can make the loss scary, and result in feelings of anxiety.
Children may struggle with their emotions as you talk about the loss. Encourage them to express their feelings and let them know it’s ok for them to cry. Avoid telling them how they should or should not feel. There are no rules to grieving. Acknowledging their feelings and letting them express is the first step to healing.
Some children may also carry the guilt, if they believed they were in any way responsible for the death of their loved one. For instance, if they said something hurtful to their grandmother after which she died. Let them know it’s not their fault.
More importantly, as you have this most difficult conversation, mindfully listen to your child’s responses and reactions and be available to support them. Be open about your feelings and reassure the child that you are taking care of yourself and that you are going to be with them and keep them safe.
As adults, when we lose a loved one, we struggle with our emotions. For a child it’s even harder as they are still in the process of developing their emotional and cognitive skills and are therefore not as equipped to navigate through the torrent of emotions they may experience on losing a loved one. Having an open conversation about the loss can support your child to cope better with the loss and prevent it from turning into a traumatic experience.