There is always a little voice inside us that will get in the way of our progress; attempting to slow us down or sabotage our good efforts. This is still part of the same self, but the side that ‘I the soul’ would rather not choose to see or hear. When we are being critical, it reveals more about us than about the other person, or even the situation.
Our critic goes from moaning and groaning; to whining and pining; and sometimes to sheer blasphemy and profanity. Whatever is inside of us eventually comes out. We sometimes do not even realize what we are saying, and how damaging our comments are. Our language can kill a person’s ambition and that can sometimes be forever. Critical words can finish projects, plans and programmes too. The problem with our inner critic is that it feels it is protecting us. It is not protecting us, but it is the ego’s way of protecting itself.
Putting others down or being critical of things around us, makes us temporarily experience an ego boost so that we can look good in the eyes of others. This gives the ego the feeling of having the upper hand over others. No one likes to listen to critical people. Try spending a day with a negative person and one hour is more than enough! And with a positive soul? We want to spend more time in their company because our spirit feels uplifted, and wish the time together could stretch for longer.
The inner critic often stops us from trying new things. The ego prevents us from attempting something that will expand our mind and allow us to grow. We want to take two steps forward, and then the critic raises its head and comments: “Who are you? What do you think you can do? You are certainly not capable. Better not try, because you don’t want to look like a fool.” In this way we stop our own progress and development, and we get nowhere.
The ego feels it is doing a good job because if we never try anything then we will never fail. So we live in this incessant deep-seated illusion about, ‘Who I think I am’. I am successful (but never really tried anything), I am peaceful (but never took risks in relationships and confronted anyone), I am kind (but became stuck to the close ones who loved me and did not reach out to face any challenges in life) and the list goes on. From fear we never put a foot forward, we become stuck in our little world because we were afraid to try and fail. But who was giving us these messages all along? It was the inner critic.
The difference between the inner critic and the realistic thinker is that the inner critic has no proof, but it is full of ‘what if’ scenarios of failure. These just perpetuate a fear cycle of thinking in the mind. When there is true critical thinking, or we could say, realistic thinking, we can take a fair measure about what is practical or not. However, the inner critic continues to criticize and justify its stories of fear by projecting past failures into our future.
Some are just habituated to negative thinking. The first person who gets hurt with negative thinking is me. I am the first person to get affected by my own thinking. This fact alone should be enough to say to my mind: “STOP!” and ask, “Give me one good reason to have a negative thought”.
The only way to overcome self-criticism is to increase your self-respect. Once I begin to respect myself, I will not want to hurt myself. When you love someone or something, you handle things with velvet gloves. Begin to talk to yourself in kind and loving ways. How would you encourage a small child? Do the same with yourself. How would you inspire your best friend? Treat yourself in the same way.
Some people say to me, “Well it’s only one… negative or critical thought I had.” Well, that is all it takes, just one thought. Just one drop of poison is enough to spoil the big pot of milk.
So… here is a good plan to help you steer your way through these kind of habits:
Don’t allow anyone with dirty feet to walk through your mind.
Make your mind a sanctuary of peace and positivity.
Increase self-respect by being kind to yourself.
Change the way you talk to yourself.
Being positive begets more positivity.
Being critical is a choice.
Be an observer of your thoughts and feelings.
Aruna Ladva is an author and Rajyoga meditation teacher based in Oxford, UK.